Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Negative

So I couldn't restrain myself and took a pregnancy test yesterday morning.  It was negative but it was also likely too early to test.  I really shouldn't have done it and now I realize that.   Obviously the negative hurt, but I'm still wondering was it too early?  I didn't think it would hurt because I was saying that I really expected it to be negative, but really why would I have test unless I wanted it to be positive.  I was in denial thinking I wouldn't be hurt.  So there was no point in testing at all since now I'm between wondering was it too early and being hurt.  I feel dumb.   Especially since yesterday Fertility Friend wasn't sure if I had ovulated at all because of my cervical mucus patterns.

It was really early to ovulate; I kept thinking it was just from me getting sick.    However, today after putting in my temperature Fertility Friend decided that I did in fact ovulate on cycle day 10.   Sire and I had sex a day after that so technically my chances are really low I think, but my nipples have been so sensitive recently I haven't wanted my daughter to nurse ( And yes I do still nurse my preschool age daughter once or twice a day ) so I've really been wondering.   I feel overly hopeful.

 I'm still feeling really sick but today I'm trying really hard to get caught up on my homework.   I think I should start having Sire stand over me to enforce it getting done with out distractions. 


Sunday, September 18, 2011

So Behind But Still Here

I have been neglecting my blog and I'm so sorry.  I'm thinking about things to post everyday but just haven't had time to sit down and write them.  I am so behind on everything.  I knew I was going to be busy but I honestly had no idea that I would be so tired in the evenings and have no will to do anything after I get home from my night classes.  I'm behind on homework, reviews, and housework.  It's awful.  My house has laundry, toys and dirty dishes everywhere.

I've been taking prenatal pills and have a massive collection of cheap pregnancy and ovulation tests.   I've been charting my cycle on fertilityfriend.com. We haven't been having a lot of sex or doing much of anything kinky in general recently since Sire and I have both been sick.  Since I'm sick I can't tell for sure but I think I ovulated early this cycle around the time we did have sex and if so I'm about ten days past ovulation and just aching to do a pregnancy test since I had cramps and temperature dip at the right time that it could have been implantation.   I may also be reading too far into it.  I think I should wait until next weekend at least to test but I really really want to do it tomorrow.   Seeing positive pregnancy tests at ten days past ovulation really makes me want to test.  Maybe I'll just wait until Tuesday atleast.  The suspense is killing me.  

Also I've noticed some of the other pains I had previously been contributing to my IUD recently (stabbing sensation in the cervix) so obviously it's not the IUD and probably wasn't before.  I'm wondering if it has to do with the damage to my cervix after my daughter's birth?

Anyhow I mostly wanted to post so everyone knows I haven't abandoned my blog, I've just been really busy.   I'm trying to work out my schedule so I know when to plan to do everything so it all gets done.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Cat's Out of the Bag

Today was unexpectedly exhausting. This morning I went to work and had to host a meeting I didn't expect to because my supervisor was ill today and couldn't do it.  I had no idea until I got there and saw a message for me on the phone about it. I had about ten minutes to prepare.  I stayed after for a while to talk with another coworker about lab hours.  When I left work I walked outside and checked my phone to see a message from Sire:

"Can't pick you up I'm in a meeting.  You have to walk home."  

It was almost 100°F outside.   

When I finally got home I stripped all my clothes off and nearly passed out on the couch.   I wanted to take a nap or play Arc Rise Fantasia and just veg out, but then Sire came home and asked me to run to the store with him.  So I got dressed again and went.

After the store we went to the bank and then ran by my moms house to pick something up.  I was all giddy about having my IUD removed yesterday and was dying to tell someone I knew in real life. 
So I went to my teenage sister and whispered in her ear "Wanna know a secret?  It's a secret you can't tell anyone!" 
She says "Okay... Yeah sure."   But sort of suspiciously.  I think she was afraid it was going to be some sort of TMI sort of thing.  
"I had my IUD removed yesterday!" I whispered very quietly.   My mother was on the other side of the room.
My sister responds out loud "I had  mine removed last week. Were you having problems with it too or...?"  And then she made a baby gesture as if that was some how less revealing than saying it out loud.  
I heard my mom on the other side of the room giggling like mad and doing a little victory hand movement.
I instinctively whacked my sister on the head with the mail in my hand and said, "Could you be more obvious? It was suppose to be a secret!" 
My mom started doing a happy dance saying, "I'm so excited!"
My sister apologized.
I found it necessary to proclaim out loud "I am not pregnant!"
And then my grandmother shows up from the other room and says "Oh but do you want to be?"
I tried to change the subject.  My mom was still doing her happy dance.  I told my sister to come by my apartment and visit then I said goodbye and left.

Oh  man.   I felt awkward.   I didn't want to have to talk about it with my family unless we actually got pregnant since they just are well hard to talk to generally.  My mother filled me with all this negative energy when I was pregnant with my first.  When I went to the doctor yesterday to have the IUD removed I was told I might be at an increased risk for early labor because of the damage to my cervix from a previous birth, but she didn't think I'd have any problems getting pregnant or before the end of my pregnancy.  I do have ovarian cysts though amongst other issues so we'll see how this journey goes. 

She asked me if I wanted to keep the IUD after she removed it; I wish I had said yes now because It would have been really neat to photograph for documentation here in my blog.  One side was bent a little bit, but I'm not sure if that was from the removal or if it was like that before it was removed.   I do have to say though that I had no pain when she removed it.  In fact I couldn't even tell she had pulled it out until she said "It's out!"  I went in at the end of my period so that could have been a factor that helped reduce my discomfort. I didn't really have any discomfort when it was put in either though. 

Now I need to focus on catching up on life.  Since I got home I've been lounging in my bra and my lazy time pants.  I'm hoping for some sex tonight as well as to get some reviews done.  I told Sire he could get a new video card for his computer if we have sex every other day for the next two weeks.   We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Big Day

I'm working on homework right now trying to focus but my mind is just somewhere else.  So hopefully if I write a blog I can focus for a little while afterwards.

I meant for this last weekend to be time to catch up on all the things I'm behind homework, reviews, blogging, ect, but I ended up playing Arc Rise Fantasia all weekend.   I got totally addicted and just couldn't stop; I secretly wish I were playing right now.   My dishes piled up next to me on the couch while I sat there all day gaming.  When Sire went to wash the dishes and saw all mine that I had left laying around he counted them and made a comment about it which I wasn't really paying attention to (too into my game).  Then he went upstairs and came down again with the paddle, told me to bend over the couch and counted for each dish (he even counted the empty soda cans and food I was still eating, assuming that I wasn't going to clean them up either).   Oh man my ass hurt afterward.  

Today is the big day!  The day my IUD is going to be removed.  I am excited but also an anxious nervous wreck today.   I just stopped menstruating yesterday so timing is pretty good.   I gave Sire a hug before he left today and wanted his final vote of approval and he gave it to me.  He'd been acting unsure the last week or two but he had a certain confidence in his voice today that makes me feel good about doing this.  He was even talking about having sex tonight.  I'm so excited.  

I've been emailing local midwives trying to find one that clicks and is in our price range.   First response I got really depressed me because it was really at the upper end of the home birth price range.  I'm going to keep looking.

Hopefully I can do a Wanton Wednesday post tonight.  That'd be nice.