Tuesday, August 9, 2011

My Introduction to Kink

I posted back in June in my livejournal about my kinky tendencies that started subconsciously in childhood.
The movie The Whipping Boy came out in 1995.   I remember seeing a trailer for it and having a weird feeling and as horrified and disgusted as I was with spanking I wanted to see it.   I later saw it when it was shown on television.  I was disappointed at having missed parts of it, but I remember enjoying watching the kid get whipped even the idea in my head of it and having this uncomfortable feeling like it was wrong to feel that way.    I couldn't have been more than about ten or eleven.  Keep in mind though I started my menstrual cycle around that time, so I was going through puberty and hormone changes.  

Later I remember my mother renting the movie Breeders  it came out in 1997 so again I was probably around 12 years old when I watched it.   If my memory serves me right it could easily be turned into a porn movie.  I really can't remember much about the plot, but one scene vivid in my member forever was where one girl is essentially tied down and the alien is coming to have sex with her basically.   I had fantasies about this for years and never even realized they were sexual for a long time if that makes any sense at all.

These  movies sort of helped set the stage for my fetishes or perhaps they were already there and things like these helped wake them up.  
As a child I took any excuse while playing to be the one tied up for one reason or another.  I also liked put be put on a leash.  I have a memory from when I was about eleven or twelve of one of the last few times I played "house."   I was playing with a friend from school that had never really hung out with me before.   I was the child; she was the mom.   I did something defiant and she responded by smacking me on the ass.  Hard.   I had never had a playmate spank me and I was totally shocked.  I was in the middle of puberty and hormones were raging.   I was "naughty" again just so she would do it again.   I felt odd because I thought spanking children was wrong and I didn't understand what was going on with me psychologically. 

Fast forward a few years and I am suffering through some really difficult depression and struggling with self injury.  I was hospitalized a few times for being a danger to myself.  I remember other teenagers in the unit complaining about being restrained in seclusion and I remarked that I thought it would be fun.  One of the boys looked at me and said, "Oh you're kinky like that huh?"  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Incidentally I did end up restrained shortly before going home.  Officially the rule I broke was "starting a riot"or something like that.  Apparently psychiatric patients are not allowed to organize protests. I was tied to a bed "until I calmed down."  It's hard to "calm down" when you're tied to a mother fucking bed laying in your own spit and tears. I was restrained to that bed in tight wrist and ankle cuffs for hours; it wasn't the fun experience I had imagined.

Upon returning home an online friend of mine tells me that she was able to overcome self injury by getting into the bdsm world and I had little idea what she was talking about.   She then recommended a movie to me called The Secretary.  The main character in this story is also recovering from self injury.  It's a beautiful story as well as one of the sexiest movies I've ever seen.   And this was my introduction to the bdsm world.   I spent years wishing for a partner that would also be as into it as I was.  I finally have my Sire who brings me the pain and pleasure that I desire.

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